I see I have made some typos in my other entry but I won't edit it or anything. I'm surprised I made sense though. Anywho...I was reading my old journal...because I have nothing better to do right now...or so it seems.

anyway.... the old entry:

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unspoken word
written on 2003-04-28

What the fuck is the big deal about me liking Steph? Actually you know what, strike that. What the fuck is the big deal about me being in love with Steph & wanting to be with her? Why the fuck does everyone get worked up whenever that topic comes up? Can't they just deal with it? Seriously what is the big deal? Yeah so she dated Matt. But they're over. They've been over for months now. So why can't I date her? Because it'd "hurt" Matt? How exactly? Well ok then, what if Steph dates another guy and not me, wouldn't that hurt Matt? If yes, then what is she supposed to do? Stay single forever?

I just want to be with her. Is that so much to ask for? I don't even know why I care so much anyway, I should just ask her out already because she doesn't deserve to sit back and wait till I finally make up my mind about asking her to be my girlfriend. We've been seeing each other for almost a month now, but of course not many people know that. I want them to though. I want everyone to know because we are happy. And I think our happiness is all what matters. The past...well, it just doesn't matter. At all.

And what the fuck is up with everyone telling me not to take her to prom? Do me a favor and shut the fuck up and get the fuck over yourself. Don't tell me what to do. Ok? Good.

***

I was pretty pissed when I wrote that entry. Because it was really frustrating not being able to do what I wanted to. And well, all my offline friends read that journal where that entry was taken from, so yeah, it was directed to pretty much everyone who was bitching about me and Steph being in love with each other.

I remember the next day after I wrote that, it was Tuesday, and I usually would speak on the mic in school about all the announcements and such, and after I'd be done, I could put on some music. I had taken my Mest CD and after talking about 10 minutes, I just said "I love you Stephanie *****" and then just put on the CD, because I wanted to put on the song "What's the Dillio?". I didn't care about what people would say anymore. I just really didn't give a fuck about how those 400/500 students would react to my message. I didn’t care about getting detention for putting on a song that had swear words in it. I did what made me happy and that was one of the best things I ever did in my life.

Point of all this? Sometimes you cannot make everyone happy if you want to be happy yourself. You have to sacrifice a few things and well, people. Who cares of what people say? If something feels right in your heart, and it makes you happy, then go for it and don’t ever look back, because if you follow your heart then you did the right thing. You just have to take risks to be truly happy sometimes, even though it might be hard, because nothing worth anything is easy and you know what? It will all be worth it in the end. Everything you do, pays off one day. It really does. And you know what else? The ones who really care, would support you, and they'd be happy for you, even though they may not be happy themselves by your decisions. They would just never stop you from being truly happy if they really love you unconditionally. And plus, you can never please everyone anyway, because if youre not happy then you can't make anyone else happy either.

I take what I want
take what I need
you say it's wrong,
but it's right for me
I won't look down
won't say I'm sorry
I know that only god can judge me

- Good Charlotte. (yeah, I used to like them once upon a time....)

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